Little Known Secrets To Attaining Security And Certainty In Your RelationshipLittle Known Secrets To Attaining Security And Certainty In Your Relationship

In all our interpersonal relationships it is important that there is reassurance, certainty and security.

The other day, actually the other week, I had several people in my office who were not very secure in their relationship. They came in on their own. They were having difficulties in their relationship. They just didn't feel safe and secure in their relationship. They were worried that their partner may be moving away or potentially straying or not loving them in the way that they want.

Here we will discuss four communication modes, the Visual, Auditory, Digital and Kinesthetic. The following is a brief overview of the four basic communication modes:

(1) Visuals communicate by seeing and doing. They like activities and they like gifts. They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things.

(2) Auditory people communicate through talking. They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time. They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk. They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you.

(3) Digital people communicate through connection and understanding. The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do. Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood.

(4) Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies. The move, feel and express through their bodies. Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activity and hugging. They feel loved when they are touched.

If your partner is a different communication mode than you and again we can be on all four channels or three channels or just two channels and our partners can be on the same ones or different ones or part of yours and part of another.

Take for example I just recently met a lovely young lady and she was a Visual, Auditory.

I happened to be Visual, Auditory Kinesthetic, and Digital. So she was hitting two of my communication modes, but was not hitting the other two, in the Digital or Kinesthetic channels. She was not hitting my Communication modes so I felt empty in those areas.

In the relationship I had with this young lady, she was a Visual, Kinesthetic. Again, I was a Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic and Digital. However, again her modes were different, and not the same as mine. So two of mine with this lady were missing. With this lady, my Digital and Auditory was missing. I felt very empty because there was no Auditory communication and there was no Digital or deep thoughtful or mental, emotional connection.

Then, with another different lday, we would talk a lot and do things, but again I may not feel connected, intellectually, emotionally or at a deep spiritual level. I also did not feel connected Kinesthetically as much.

Many of these situations are reflected in the some of the clients that come in and see me. A lot of them tend to be Digital. Digital people tend to go to counselling more than a Visual person. A Visual person would go to counseling or a Visual, Kinesthetic person would go to counselling usually because they are dragged there.

However, if a Digital person is with someone who is not Digital, they really feel empty. Sure they do things together. Their partner may talk or may not, but the Digital really feels empty. Also in relationships where one partner is highly Kinesthetic and the other person isn't, the first person will feel like the other person doesn't love them, that the other person is interested in someone else because they are not having as much cuddling, kissing or sex, with them as they did when they were courting. So then if the person is Digital, they start thinking a lot, which is something that a Digital person does, which is think a lot, they then start feeling insecure. Also if you are stressed out in life, and you are Digital and Analytical you tend to get a little paranoid if you are put under stress if you are not being reassured.

So in a healthy relationship, it is key that your partner is on the same channel as you, and if not, know how to work on the same channel as you and to reassure you. I spent 10 years a paramedic and 10 years as a business man, before I was a counsellor. When I was in business and as a counsellor, reassurance is very important. All professionals reassure their clients of what they are going through and that things will be o.k., that things will be taking care of. So reassurance is a good skill to develop in your partner.

It is important that you really understand that it is very important if you are currently creating a Love by Design and if you are not in place where you can rebuild or restructure where are in a situation where you are in an existing relationship, your partner needs to learn, if they are not on the same page, to do that. That way you will feel reassured, that way, if you are not getting that information on that channel. You are actually going to feel insecure and if you don't get love in the way that you want for a long time, you will see the symptoms that many of our clients have that come into the office. They have low self esteem.

When I was with the young lady for a while, my self esteem was dropping with her because I wasn't reassured, and I wasn't feeling loved. She didn't say I love you, she wasn't Auditory She didn't talk to me in the car, she didn't talk to me over dinner, she didn't like talking on the over phone. I just didn't feel connected. Plus she wasn't Digital, so she wasn't interested in ideas or philosophy, and concepts, and metaphysics or spirituality, and relationships and counselling and psychology and all these things. So it was really important for me to have that.

If you don't get it in your relationship you tend to seek it outside your relationship. That is why people have emotional affairs and real affairs that involve sex and secret relationships and all that kind of stuff, including people on the internet and chat rooms.

by Dr Rob Bilton
References and Bibliography

Dr. Rob Bilton is the Director/Counsellor for the Centre for Life Management/LMC Relationship Centre. He is a writer, and is also the Co-author for "The Ultimate Love By Design System!" Would you like to know whether HE or SHE is THE ONE for you?

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